A Little Confusion

This is my last evening in the town I claim to have grown to hate. The final night. Tomorrow I can go wherever the wind will take me. Or, rather, wherever a carefully prepared route, a long road and a big truck will take me. It will take me to Iowa. No matter. Right now I am only concerned with what I leave behind.

Some of the few friends I made in this town have expressed how much they will miss me. I begin to realize that I am leaving a place where I have some very meaningful relationships. These are people I will always miss. I have to go, I know. I chose to go. But right now my heart feels wrenched apart. I am confused at what I leave behind me. Going to a better place is one thing. A place where I will fit in more. It's great, really. I have been looking forward to that.

Then I remembered what good friends I leave behind. Suddenly I am torn. I know, I keep repeating myself. You can tell I am a bit sad. But it's the truth. I spend so much time not letting people in, then I realize that I have let a lot more people in than I at first thought. It comes rather suddenly, in something someone says. Some sorrow expressed. Some unexpected compliment. It's a shock to my system. A surprise; both poignant and triumphant. They do care, a small voice inside me says. I'm not a freak. It makes me tearful. It makes me cry when no one's looking. These people cared. I did not realize. Perhaps I did not let myself realize. Now I do, and I'm moving on.

I will always look back, I swear. I will do my best to keep up with all my friends here. And I will try to stay in one place so that I do not have to keep leaving friends in my path.