Every week I plan to write an interesting post. Perhaps I'll comment on current events. Perhaps I'll philosophize about the good. Perhaps I'll discuss a social or cultural concern. And every week I have no desire to write and nothing good to write about. It's sad. However, I can say a few random things that have come to mind.
Perhaps I'm getting a bit egocentric, but I am rather tired of my own weirdness. Nobody around here tells me that I'm strange, but I know they're thinking it. How do I know? Because I've been around enough to know. Some days it would be nice just to be an ordinary person and to see the world the same way everyone else sees it. I laugh when I should not laugh, I get all teary when things are not sad enough to cry, I always forget to put the specifics in when I'm talking to people. And then I have days when I just want to hide under my desk and write or something. I am tired of having to be around people. But it's my job. Paper, people and phones, that's life.
How do you stop worrying about what other people think? It really does not matter. It never has. Still, sometimes I cannot help but wonder. I want to know that I'm doing a good job at work, I want to know that I have friends. I want to be an ordinary person. I want to have the confidence I pretend to have. Sometimes I remember that I'm really just a facade. It's bothersome, because I want to be myself. I get so comfortable presenting a face that I hardly notice until I become irritated with myself. This is one of those moments.
There's only one person besides myself whom I cannot fool and that's God. Perhaps my irritation at myself is His way of reminding me that I'm not as clever as I think I am. Or something like that.
Why even present a disguise to everyone else? It's not like I'm a psycho. It's not like most of us are psychos and we still tend to present a face. It's almost a formality. You act like you're more normal than you are. But what the heck is normal? Perhaps it is because I am shy. I always say I am reserved and/or formal. But really, I'm just shy. That's only one of the weird things about me. Here's some more: I talk to myself, I make up stories in my head when I'm bored, I like to eat vegetables, I people watch, I never stop thinking even when I'm asleep, I make an effort to drink 8 glasses of water a day and usually succeed, I can only effectively work at my own desk (other people's desks make me uncomfortable), I'm happy when it's cloudy or it rains (until the 15th day of consecutive cloudiness) and I find random little things to be happy about that no else would care about in the slightest. I also talk incessently about nothing.
What can I say? I'm odd. Sometimes it gets to me. I hope I don't bore you again with a post like this . . .