Moving Right Along

I continue to press onwards toward my goals in life. I keep trying to decide if I want to stop blogging entirely or return to writing a couple times a week. I think I'd like to blog, I just run out of time. I am a thinker and an observer and don't always wish to tell the world what is on my mind. We'll see where that gets me.

I recently finished a couple classes to become a nurse's aide. I am looking for a job working with patients. It's an exciting time for me. I estimate that I have two more years before I can start medical school. Another two years of that and I'll have my career as a physician assistant.

I think I want to specialize in surgery once I get to med school. However, I might also emphasize cardiology. So far it is my strongest interest in medicine.

Life has been crazy busy for the past several months. I thought I'd have a nice summer break, but instead I've been busy most of the time. Next week I'll be starting my classes for the fall. I'm kind of shocked at how fast this year has flown by.

I've been reading a lot of blogs and ideas and stuff lately. I'll try to incorporate some of my thoughts into later posts. Frankly, it's difficult to write sometimes. I feel as if I know so little and so much at the same time. But I'll try. I think.

Too Much Time

Lately I have discovered I have a problem. It's called free time. I listen to other people talk about free time and how they don't have enough of it and they always want more of it. I just can't identify with that mindset. I have way too much free time. Growing up my Aunt P. would have "found" me "something to do" if I had complained of being bored. She was not a fan of the word "bored" or any form it can take. That was one of those quirks that I loved her for. However, the problem is not that I am bored or that I do not have enough to do. I cook, I clean, I job hunt. I hope against hope that I will be able to afford classes this semester.

No, the real problem is that I think too much. My brain cannot stop ruminating. It can get intense. The longer I have no intellectual pursuits the worse it becomes. This is certainly not that I condemn thinking or being an intellectual. Just that when I spend too much time alone with no intellectual pursuits I begin to lose some of my logic and rationality. It makes it more difficult for me to write (blog). I won't use the word crazy, but sometimes I feel like climbing walls. I simply cannot be tied down for any reason. Left to my own devices I need something to keep my mind occupied. I often fall into the realm of the past.

I will go over and over the same memories scouring them for more information. This is both helpful and not helpful. I have managed to accept a few of the tragedies that occurred during my lifetime. For example, the death of my friend C. whom I used to work with when my husband and I lived in Indiana. For a long time I could not face the fact that C. was gone. One of his favorite shows was My Name Is Earl. I have watched that show religiously for the past two years. It got canceled at the end of last season. When I realized the show was gone I felt like my friend had died all over again. I think I had put off accepting his death as long as I had a little memorial of him to hang onto. At first I thought I would be devastated. Yet, after a few more weeks I realized that I remember him joyfully. I am still sad he's gone, but I have accepted that it happened. Somehow putting my grief into something he cared about helped move me forward on that issue. So, that's just an example. It's minor compared to some of the other things I've been through (deaths in the family and more personal issues that I do not feel comfortable sharing in this rather public forum).

I have an overactive brain and when it doesn't have enough to do it seeks out all sorts of notions to churn over. On the one hand, it's good to have the time to process things (like C.'s death) that I put aside when I was too busy. On the other, I just feel like I have way too much free time. I really need a job again . . .

Days Of My Lives

1) I watched Wolverine about a week after it came into theaters. There is one good thing about this movie and it's really more for chicks than for guys. Hugh Jackman makes an awesome action hero. Too bad his lines and character totally sucked. Actually, most of the movie sucked. The storyline was roughly nonexistant, characters who should have died came back to life, Wolverine angsted his life away over mistakes he did not actually make, and a few random characters had a few lines each. Not to mention Wolverine was a complete moron. He seemed incapable of anticipating his brother (Victor). From the start Victor was insanely jealous, unstable, and ruthless. Wolverine persisted in believing he was a decent guy all the way to the end of the movie. It was dumb. I could not suspend my unbelief while watching the movie.

2) Star Trek was perfect. The cast did a wonderful job portraying the beloved characters from the original series. They had all the mannerisms and personalities down to a t. The plot was exciting and the action kept me on the very edge of my seat. I was happy to see that Hollywood can still make a good epic type action movie once in a while. I also enjoyed some of the additions to characters. For example, the relationship between Spock and Uhura was a great touch. I also enjoyed the fact that Chekov was more than just a side character. Dr. McCoy was great. He may in fact have been the most well cast character in the entire movie. I only wish he had been in a few more scenes. I definitely loved the part where he gets Kirk onto the Enterprise. It was classic. I cannot recommend this movie enough to fan and Star Trek ignoramous alike.

3) I did okay on my finals. I got an A in the class that I thought I would get an A in. In my other class I passed. I will need to take some more preliminary math courses before I go on to Calculus, but I got a higher grade then I expected. I would like to know for sure that I understand what's going on when I get to Calc, however.

4) I have an algebra course to take this summer and wedding to be a part of. It should be a good summer. I am planning to do a lot of work on my yard and garden areas. Landscaping, you know. It seems kind of mundane and domestic, but I am excited to have a pretty yard. I have never had a yard of my own before.

5) There are loud people in my house playing Risk right now. I wanted to hang out with a friend or two this evening, but everyone is busy. It is kind of impossible for me to see friends lately and it's getting totally frustrating. I suppose that's life, but I keep trying and trying and getting nos for answers. It's old. That's all I have to say. Maybe I should stop being so nice or something.

6) I am doing some writing in my spare time. It's okay. Not going along as well as I hoped, but any work is good.

Finding Myself

As usual I have many ideas to write about and no time to write them. In fact, right now I should be studying. My finals are next week. However, before finals I have a chapter exam in each class. That means I have four exams in the next two weeks, three of them are in one week. I remember a time when this would have seemed like a drop in the bucket to me. But things have changed. I have a life now. Going back to school is quite a challenge. Still, it's what I want and I want to excel. Or, at least, I want to get a C. My pre-calc course is tough, but I think I'm going to pass. As for my other class, it's kind of a breeze. I have hardly felt challenged at all by it and have spent most class periods enjoying the discussion among the other students. God bless them, but they are not like the kids I knew during my first undergrad. Community Colleges just don't bring in the super intellectuals. Which is okay. I should learn to co-exist with average, typical people.

I ramble.

As I was saying, I am here amid piles of homework and other nonsense. I have picked up an old hobby I used to enjoy. Namely, I find myself baking many, well, baked goods. I perfected a gluten free scones recipe. I have finally made a good gluten free pie crust. I made some cookies too. And yes, I have gained a few pounds. I am also a happier person. There are many reasons I dropped my baking hobby over the last ten years or so. One of them was the difficulty involved in gluten free cooking and baking. Lately my interest in making gluten free baked goods that taste good and have good texture has grown. If I did not want to be a Physician Assistant and if I was totally crazy I'd try selling bake goods to coffee shops. But, like, I'm afraid that people would like them too much and I wouldn't have time for anything else. I want to finish my education (again).

Let me just say that in two weeks I will have some breathing time. I hope to post on several subjects of interest. I knew school would interfere with my time and blogging desire. Bear with me. In the meantime, The House Between is a great independent web tv series I have enjoyed. You have to download Veoh tv to watch it, but it's worth the effort. I expect The House Between will find it's way into my links list on the sidebar (which needs updating) as soon as I get a chance to do some blog maintenance.

A Day In The Life . . .

Going back to school is hard work. I spend a lot of time studying although I am only taking two classes. That is partly because I want to get a good grade and partly because Precalculas is higher math and requires many hours of study to grasp. It would help if my algebra were not so rusty. Sometimes I will be doing a math problem and I will get to a point where I realize that I do not know what to do next. Not because I'm dumb, but because I forgot the next algebraic rule that I needed to remember to keep going. It is times like those that I am thankful for partial credit.

Other things that take up my time are work. I am working at a flower shop. You would not believe the amount of work that goes into getting people their pretty flowers. Those arrangements are worth the high prices, let me tell you. However, I do not intend to speak much of work because I am always cautious about that sort of thing. Suffice it to say I enjoy my job and no, I do not design flower arrangements.

Today I am supposed to do laundry. Actually, yesterday I was supposed to do laundry. Actually, actually, I was supposed to do laundry at the end of last week. Having a washer and dryer in my own home helps, but having to study for multiple tests and keep up with other house cleaning does not help.

I recently wrote the first draft of a short story. Do not ask me how I had time for that. I intend to revise it and get some second opinions. Then maybe I will send the story out to a magazine or something to see about publishing. A little supplemental income would be nice.

I have come up with dozens of rants to write. Taking an Intro to Psychology course with a whole lot of regular people gives me so much material. I simply have little time to write my rants. But as I am sure you are all anxious to hear them I will try to get some written. Also, my holiday monkey Neville seems to have gone missing. That's why I have not announced the Neville Chamberlain award for 2008. I have sent a sleuth known as Detective Scorch (he's a Ty Beanie Baby dragon and charges very high prices for his PI skills) in search of Neville and hope to post the award before the year is half over.

In other news the weather was getting nice and it turned nasty again. I wish spring would stop teasing us Iowans.

Meme Break

I wrote the following meme for something else and decided I would post it on here to give people something to read. It is 25 random and little known or unusual facts/myths about myself. Feel free to copycat and do the meme with facts/myths about yourself.


1. My husband and I met and got to know one another as friends while he tutored me in college algebra.

2. I have a lot of dreams. No, seriously, I dream all night long and they are incredibly vivid dreams. My subconscious has it's own world with a town that is always the same every time I go through it. The movie theater in the town looks really odd.

3. I have been a fan of Kevin Sorbo ever since "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys." I did not watch the show, but I remember seeing Kevin on an interview where he tossed his head and did this ridiculous hair flip and then talked about how important it was to his image (his hair, not the show). I thought,"This man is funny." I think it would be a riot to meet him someday. Feel free to pass my info along if you happen to know Mr. Sorbo.

4. I have only had one cavity in one tooth ever.

5. I despise broccoli. I always have. I never eat it if I can help it.

6. When I was a kid I always wanted one of those goofy looking trolls with the long, spiked hair of vibrant colors.

7. I am fascinated by dollhouses and hope to build one someday.

8. I have tried many other flavors in latte, but hazelnut is still the best and the only one for me.

9. I believe that buying organic is a big, big consumer scam. Organic just means that something crapped on it and nobody cleaned it off.

10. My favorite historical figure is Ulysses S. Grant. When I was a child I thought he was incredibly brave. When I was a teenager I learned he was actually an alcoholic. Now that I have studied his life I have come to the conclusion that his story is not the story of how a man shaped history. It is the story of how history shaped a man's life. In a sense, it is everyone's story. We put a lot of emphasis on being a "world changer" and an individual. Instead we should pause to think about the history that has made us the way we are. That history was most often made by the little people and embodied by the heroes.

11. I have recently become a fan of Joss Whedon's "Angel."

12. Growing up my favorite books were the Redwall Series by Brian Jacques. I still read them and enjoy the air of familiarity they give me. I especially love the theme of a small creature (usually a mouse) learning to become confident in himself/herself and being heroic.

13. I am self conscious because I am thin -- believe it or not.

14. I love to keep up on scientific news. It's too bad journalism sucks so much these days.

15. Once when I was super-angry at life and the world and I had just got home from work Craig put on a Judas Priest song and I head-banged to the beat and waved the "devil's sign" in the air with both hands. It felt good.

16. I find that acquired tastes often become my favorite foods and beverages. For example, I like avocados, Swiss cheese, Earl Gray Tea, coffee, escargot, and beer -- but not all at the same time.

17. Plum sauce goes with almost everything. At least in my world it does.

18. I don't like to talk unless I am going to amaze everyone around me. This fact is probably not little known.

19. As a child it was my dearest wish to own a tape measure.

20. If you do not know who Gene Roddenberry is then you should find out because he sure as hell didn't have anything to do with Star Wars.

21. I wish that my cell phone was just a phone. I want no text messaging, no camera phone, no random games, no online capabilities. I just want a phone.

22. I could understand Shakespeare's plays when I was 12 years old.

23. Mayonnaise and Dijon mustard are my favorite condiments.

24. I used to be afraid of toilets.

25. I prefer the New American Standard translation of the Bible. It is a higher reading level, yet plain and literal.

Question Mark

Every year I get a little excited about what movies/actors/actresses will end up on the Oscars nomination list. One of my favorite things to do is count how many of the movies on that list I have seen. For 2008 the sum total is three. I have only seen three Oscar worthy films this past year.

The first was Hellboy II: The Golden Army. It is a favorite of mine and was nominated for makeup. The second was The Dark Knight. Again, it was nominated mainly for technical awards. They had to wave a Best Supporting Actor at Heath Ledger, considering it was his last performance. I am going to take a guess and say they will not give that Oscar to him. The third movie on my list would be Kung Fu Panda.

All I can say about the Oscars situation this year is, well, question mark? It looks like your typical early 1990s lineup to me. *gasp* The '90s are back "in." My life has surely been ruined. Or, at least my theatre life for the next 4 years has been ruined. The only thing I will have the opportunity to see on the big screen are melodrmatic jerks prancing about offering heavy-handed messages of environmentalism and some sort of morality mutated from angst over and apologetics for them thar bigots out there who nobody knows. Smoking and using plastic bags to carry your groceries home are the only two evils we recognize as a society. (Aside: Germs are also problematic and let it be known that plastic bags keep many harmful germs off your food.) It's pretty tough to make those two evils into an interesting story.

I admit I do enjoy the previews for movies that I would never watch as well as the reviews. My favorite preview of the year was from Frost/Nixon. Was it just me, or did the actor portray Nixon as having a high-falutin' British accent? What kind of a joke is that? Nixon was about as far from pretentious as you can get. He was a crook who got caught -- unlike his predecessors who often were pretentious. Of course, I didn't see the movie. Neither do I plan to. And, for once, I may not even bother to watch the Oscars.

Edit: I just noticed that Iron Man was nominated for two technical awards. I did see Iron Man.

My Brains Are Smelly

Math stinks. My brain has been steeped in math for the past several days. Therefore, my brains are smelly.

Yes, I started classes. It's going good.

Aside Note: I'm working on my post for the Neville Chamberlain Award. Do not worry, I would not forget to give out my favorite (and only) award of the year.

Life Changes

I have taken a short break from blogging mainly because I had writer's block. I also had so much else on my mind that I did not have time for writing. The facts are that much has changed in me and for me over the past year. Most of the changes are too personal for me to discuss in this medium. However, some of the results of those changes can be explained.

Over the past week I have been super busy trying to find a job. I quit caring about the specifics as much. I just went out into the job-o-sphere and talked to people. I have never tried that before. I am shy, you see. Painfully shy. Years of homeschooling certainly did not help my social capacity. I've been looking for a job since September really. I had very little luck and very few interviews until this past week. Of course, I went with the same old, same old method of mailing my cover letter and resume in answer to help wanted ads. I made a few phone calls -- emphasis on few. No luck. Since I have always had trouble finding a job I assumed my normal stance of feeling like I was hitting my head against a brick wall.

Then I decided to start school again. I registered for two evening classes at a local community college and stepped up my job search work. Still nothing. I had an excellent interview, but was not chosen for the job. I kept trying. A week ago I realized that I had one week to find a job before classes start (they start Monday). That realization was kind of like a very bright light bulb in my head. One that quickly grew too warm and burst into flame. The deal was that I could not start school without a job to pay for the classes.

I hit the pavement on Monday and I went everywhere. I made sure I got to talk to managers at every place I went. I had on the spot interviews. It was a crazy week. Now I have two job prospects in my sights. On one I have been asked to come back for the second interview. On the other, let's just say it's very close to a slam dunk after the first interview.

Essentially, the thought that I might not be able to go back to school motivated me. I mean, I've been wanting to start school again for at least a year. The problem was I did not know what I wanted to do. Now, I still do not know for sure, but I am getting there. For me, the most important factor is that I am moving forward. After a year of thinking and months of not working I have things in place and I am moving forward again. I know it will not be easy. But this time I am not going to give up or choose a lesser destiny for myself than what I really want.

You're probably wondering what that last sentence means. Essentially, it means that I am no politician. I am glad I got my BA in political science, but it's not where I really want my life to go and it never was. I enjoy political thought, I do not enjoy practical, backstabbing politics. I will always be civic minded and active in my community. That's just who I am. On the other hand, I like to help people and I am going to find a career where I can be myself and help people without judging them or hating them.

Call Me Remiss

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's to all my friends and family. I promise I will get those cards sent out soon.

I have never been late to send out Christmas cards before and I hope never to be late again. This year has been interesting, long and somewhat difficult. I've spent a lot of time thinking and not much time writing. But do not worry. I will get back to regular blogging. Really, I will.

Blame Feminism

I am grateful to the feminist movement for paving the way for women in the workforce. If I couldn't go out of the home and work I'd be bored, angry and probably alone. I don't think anyone would want to be around me. My mind is just too active to be content at home. Feminism has benefited the treatment of women overall. Yet there is one area of the feminist movement that's a big pet peeve of mine.

This may sound shallow but I am an attractive woman. I am pretty, insightful, funny, and intelligent. I like to dress up without overdoing it. Nobody of the male sex ever tells me I look nice or have a cute top on or my necklace is pretty. At least, not unless I fish for the compliment and I don't do that because it's immature. People tend to laugh at my jokes (the less obscure ones). People seem to like me. So, that's all okay. When I am out in public I attract quite a few looks and some catcalls or comments from gross-looking alpha males -- and not gross-looking ones -- who I don't even know. This gets old. Really. Fast. On the one hand I am mildly flattered that they noticed I'm good looking. On the other I would prefer some respect. This may not sound like much of a dilemma, but hear me out.

It seems that in this crazy, mixed-up world it's okay for a man to make a gross sexual comment to an attractive woman. However, it is not okay for him to tell a female friend that she looks nice today or something more benign. This frustrates me to no end. I mean, not that I don't get enough compliments from Craig and not that my self-esteem depends entirely on my looks. But, you know, if I have to hear the offensive comments it would be nice to have them balanced with the thoughts of nice guys. I blame 1990s feminism for this problem. It was then that compliments became sexual harassment. Someone should have climbed up on a soapbox 15 years ago and reminded the world that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. The same goes for compliments.

My B-Day

My birthday is today. Go me. I am turning 27. For the first time I am realizing that I am in my late twenties. So weird. Still, I want to experience every age and guess what? I get to experience every age. Time doesn't stop for any of us. Here's to a good birthday for me.

Me, At A Party, Sort Of

So, I've told you how I drive my car in the snow. I am darn good at that. I know all the tricks of the trade. For example, shift into neutral if you're trying to stop and you start to slide ominously close to the rear end of the car in front of you. The wheels will stop turning and believe it or not you will stop. Note: this trick does not always work with 100% success; once I had to shift into neutral and steer into a snowbank on the curb to avoid rearending someone. Not to digress. Okay, wait for it . . . I have never told you about how I am at a party.

I don't really go to parties. That's probably the main reason I don't talk about going to parties. Did you know that in my entire college career I never attended a party? Did you further know that I have never been intoxicated from alcohol use? Did you further know that one of my friends used to tell me I had obviously escaped from a nursing home and had some really good plastic surgery done to make myself look younger? Okay, so, one of those lines is only half true, but I'm not going to tell you which one. Suffice it to say if you ever find me at a party I will have to put the blame on quantum tunneling. I would never knowingly go into a situation like that.

So, I was going to say, since I am a social oddity I don't do too well at large events with lots of people. Recently, I attended a church picnic with my husband. It was fun until I decided to tell a joke. Our new vicar from church was leading a short devotional to close the evening's festivities. He asked a simple question: "What is the meaning of life?" I responded by shouting -- twice, because nobody got it the first time -- "42!" Of course, nobody got it the second time either. Then one person started laughing and confirmed that no, Esther is not crazy, she's just the queen of obscure references.

Boy, I felt stupid. Yeah, I'm here all week. I don't even need alcohol to make jokes like that.

Now I Get It Part 1

I have often wondered why so many people adore everything in television or cinema which Joss Whedon had anything to do with. Many of my friends and acquaintances were big Buffy and Angel fans back in the day. They probably still are. Then there is Firefly and Serenity. People attend conventions dedicated solely to the Firefly universe. Yeah, I enjoyed the series when I watched it. It had excellent characters and concepts. It was intriguing and scary. But, you know, I can only watch the same 14 episodes so many times before I have to put them on hold for a while. The problem with Firefly is that it didn't pick up. It's a cult classic. I repeat, cult classic.

Up until recently Firefly and Serenity were my complete exposure to the mind of Joss Whedon. I saw two episodes of Buffy when I was a sophmore in college. They were from the first season and I didn't care for it that much. Recently a friend of mine mentioned Hulu.com as a good place to watch tv for free. I'm a sucker for cheap tv and movies -- no money spent on cable or direct tv here. I watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog on the site. It is amazingly well written and surprisingly poignant for a comedy short. Intrigued I decided to check out some Buffy. I pushed through the first few episodes which were mildly entertaining. You know, that show really picked up in the second season. I find myself caught up in it. I might have to rent or buy more seasons (only two are on Hulu).

I always try to avoid going in for fads. Hence, I waited until J.K. Rowling had written the 6th Harry Potter book before I read any of them. Of course, I didn't like them, so I turned out to be correct about that fad -- I think. With Joss Whedon's stuff I might have been wrong to ignore the fad. I enjoy a good story and he is a good storyteller.

Still, the discovery of a good story -- even one that's been around a while -- is never lost on me. I see my opportunity and I am taking it.

Face To Face

Today I would like to take some time to mock the internet. Yes, that's me. I utilize the world wide web for information gathering, email, and blogging. I even made a friend online. Now I'm gonna sit here and diss part of my world. I see the irony and I know how easy it is to pick on technology. However, there are certain things for which the internet is a poor substute: i.e. friendship.

I have moved three times in the past 3 years. Albeit the third move was five miles away from the place I lived after the second move. It still requires new habits. For example, I don't get to go to the laundromat anymore with my overloaded bags of dirty clothes. I started chatting with one girl who worked there. I mean, we weren't friends or anything, but she was pleasant and interesting. I enjoyed getting to say a few words. I enjoyed going to get my coffee while she kept half an eye on my stuff. Now I do laundry at home alone. It's convenient. Plus my washer and dryer work much better than their coin-operated counterparts. Yet it feels like I am missing something. I am missing face to face contact. The grocery store is the same story. I decided to do my shopping at the store where I used to go. It's only five miles. Sometimes the managers will open up another check-out lane just for me. The guy at the meat counter always knows what I am going to get before I ask. No, I don't have deep conversations. Yes, I do get treated like some kind of VIP and I have an excuse for human contact.

I am not a total loser. Sorry to burst your bubble. I do make friends rather easily despite my shyness. I enjoy the company of almost everyone I meet. Even the people I dislike I can learn to accept. My nature is to find the good in people. People are interesting and unique. They are fun to watch and even more fun to interact with -- I sound like an a.i. or something . . .

The online community can be a lot of fun too. I get a kick out of reading humorous blogs. I read a lot of news and editorials. I like to read comment threads in people's blog posts and watch the back and forth. Still, something is missing. I find myself wondering, what do these people look like? What facial expression might this blog author have had when he or she wrote that post? Wouldn't it be more entertaining to have an entire conversation with somebody or several somebodies? I know there is a lot to the virtual world. Blogging alone can include video, audio or written word. Then there are webcams and those are very useful if a loved one is far away.

All these innovations still miss the face to face discussion. The enjoyment of being in the presence of a friend cannot exist in the virtual medium. Internet just can't take the place of real people and real places. Furthermore, I do better with my blogging when I am having real experiences and hanging with my real friends -- no offense to you computer people -- then when I am isolated and get most of my daily interactions reading stuff online. So, I guess this was my long-winded way of telling you all to quit reading my blather and go make a friend.

Here I Am

I am such a bum. Again. I know. I tried to swear off my bum-hood about a year ago. But it came back. I guess I will have to start working on that again.

I quit my job as many of you know. Now I am in the process of not only getting a new one, but figuring out what it is I really want to do for a career. So far it's looking like I might go back to school. I am not sure. I am tired of analyzing and analyzing.

That's me. I always analyze everything. I take my good old time. I sleep on it. Then I think about it all day. Then I sleep on it again. There are factors I know I need to consider that I have not considered. I have to keep thinking. Eventually the path will become clear.

No, it won't. The truth is, sometimes you have to make a decision based on how well you know yourself and your interests. Nobody can make that decision for me. I need to take a step forward. But that would mean I have to stop analyzing and start doing. That's scary. Freaking scary.

Someone once said (I paraphrase) that if you think something through carefully enough the answer will become clear. Whomever that was I wish he or she had not said that. It is good to think things through. But frankly, thinking just leads to more thinking. Thinking is not what I really need to do in terms of getting a new career. At least, not at the moment.

My First

Craig and I are in our new house. I have already got used to it. I feel like I'm home. Finally. To stay. I don't want to move away from this town. I know we will outgrow this beautiful house someday. It is the perfect first home. Perfect. It has two bedrooms of decent size, one and a half bathrooms, a very large living room, a formal dining room, and the friendliest kitchen you can imagine. Everyone who has come into this place has seen its potential. It's just adorable.

The move was interesting. We didn't get a moving truck because a) we didn't have much furniture to move and b) we had to move in the evenings after Craig got off work. Many of our friends in the area came and helped us move stuff into the house. I didn't realize how many friends I had until we found ourselves in a bit of a pinch here. They just came out of the woodwork to help. We got out of our nasty, centipede apartment with the moronic, upstairs neighbors a little over a week ago. I feel so free.

There were few mishaps despite the abnormal nature of the move itself. One of the mishaps included the loss of about 65% of our fine china. The good news is it's a replaceable pattern and you can find good deals on it online.

I spent our first few days in the house catching up on my sleep. That is, after several of my family members stopped by and after we drove to Kansas and back for a wedding. Busy, busy, busy. I am finally breathing a sigh of relief and getting back to the job hunt. Oh, didn't you know? I quit my job. It was a good idea. I am going to find a job that will lead me on my chosen career path. Not quite sure what that is yet, but I have some ideas.

Today we made our first furniture purchase for the house. A desk chair. This is not just any desk chair. It's all leather and it has a high back and it swivels and it can be raised and lowered. It's cool. I got it for super cheap at a consignment shop. A consignment shop that is pretty, darn close to my new house. I love this town. Oh yeah.

MIA

I am moving to my new house. I have the keys. Yes, that is way cool.

However, I am also rather quiet on the blog front as consequence of the move. I will write when I can. And if I live through this. I am so tired.

Back to work now.

One Small Step

I have decided to embrace the fact that I am an intellectual and not an academic (I'll define the differences between those words in a later post). No more time spent wondering why my grades didn't add up to my intelligence. It is time to stop wishing I was like everyone else (everyone "normal"). The time has come to face one of the ways in which I define myself.

If you have kept up with me at all then you have probably noticed the number of posts lately that suggest I am searching for something. Seeking is my theme of late. I have spent the last several months on a journey to understand my direction in life. It would have been nice to have discerned my place in the world a long time ago. However, I was not raised in a way that helped me come to terms with my talents and potential. For example, I mentioned I am an intellectual. There are many circles where it is not a good thing to be an intellectual. One of them often happens to be Protestant Christianity in the Midwestern United States. The herd mentality infiltrates all parts of society. In evangelical Christianity it encourages a certain reliance on experience rather than rational thought. Unless you're a Calvinist, that is. Then it encourages an arrogance about why no one else can understand how deep you are.

I was raised in a Reformed (i.e. Calvinist) church for a time then moved on to a less intellectual place. I was taught to disagree with Calvinists. Believe me, I have argued with the best of them from a very tender age. Anymore I just won't talk about the Calvinist idea of "predestination." Yet it shaped so much of my understanding of faith. You see I was taught to consider the intellectual Christians to be wrong and theology to be unnecessary. I learned to feel disgust toward those who consider or question the Bible's teachings in a non-dogmatic manner. You're just not supposed to do that as an evangelical -- it is shameful. Instead you just go out there, tell your story, knock on your doors, leave your tracts in restrooms, and get offended. When someone asks you to defend your faith you say, "But I found God in this way . . ."

Well, that's not good enough for some of us. Especially those of us who notice other possible reasons for quote unquote religious experiences. What if all that laughing and falling down were a psychologically induced response and not caused by the Holy Spirit? I know. I blaspheme. People always tell me not to "limit" God when I say things like this. I ask you, why doesn't it limit God to assume that you will always have an emotional high when you worship him? What about the days when he just feels far away? Am I supposed to interpret God based solely on my feelings about him? Some days I almost hate God. Some days I want to ask him a thousand angry questions. I am not Job. I cannot accept all of my sufferings without wondering how God could love me and let me go through some of the things I have been through.

Am I weak in my faith because I doubt God at times? Well, yeah. I'm only human after all. I recognize that I am finite. I have a strong intellect, but not infallible wisdom. Some things I do have to take on faith either because they are too big for the human mind or because I do not have enough knowledge to understand them. That is no easy task for a person who likes to be right.

It is okay. I accept that I am an intellectual about my faith, my life, my God. About the people around me and the ideas they espouse. It's not an evil thing to doubt and question. God gave me a brain, after all. Why should I be ashamed to use it? Perhaps he gave me a brain so I could weigh the evidence for and against his existence. So I could consider the logic of his judgments and actions. If so then he also gave me faith and hope. He gave me the need to rely on something bigger than myself. Myself can be a bit of a mess sometimes, after all.

Whoa.

Craig and I officially became homeowners last week on Friday. Like, whoa. I'm not sure what to say. I really like my new house. I can't move in until mid-August. But it's still my house.

Send on the housewarming gifts!