Here I Am

I am such a bum. Again. I know. I tried to swear off my bum-hood about a year ago. But it came back. I guess I will have to start working on that again.

I quit my job as many of you know. Now I am in the process of not only getting a new one, but figuring out what it is I really want to do for a career. So far it's looking like I might go back to school. I am not sure. I am tired of analyzing and analyzing.

That's me. I always analyze everything. I take my good old time. I sleep on it. Then I think about it all day. Then I sleep on it again. There are factors I know I need to consider that I have not considered. I have to keep thinking. Eventually the path will become clear.

No, it won't. The truth is, sometimes you have to make a decision based on how well you know yourself and your interests. Nobody can make that decision for me. I need to take a step forward. But that would mean I have to stop analyzing and start doing. That's scary. Freaking scary.

Someone once said (I paraphrase) that if you think something through carefully enough the answer will become clear. Whomever that was I wish he or she had not said that. It is good to think things through. But frankly, thinking just leads to more thinking. Thinking is not what I really need to do in terms of getting a new career. At least, not at the moment.

Whoa.

Craig and I officially became homeowners last week on Friday. Like, whoa. I'm not sure what to say. I really like my new house. I can't move in until mid-August. But it's still my house.

Send on the housewarming gifts!

Chrismas Is Here

I am ready for Christmas in the sense that I've bought all the gifts I needed to buy and I've mailed all the cards I needed to mail. But not ready in any other sense. I am ready for a short vacation and a change of scene. That will be nice. But when I come back I'm going to have a lot to do.

Normally at Christmas time I write a profound little article about how wonderful Christmas is and what it means to me. This year my thoughts on Christmas are completely jumbled. All I can think about are my own inadequacies. There are things I want to do in life that I have not done. Christmas serves to remind me that I am getting no younger. This is the first year that I have not exactly felt joy at Christmas. I also do not feel like expounding on my favorite Christmas stories -- A Christmas Carol, the nativity story, It's a Wonderful Life. Stories are my thing, as my devoted readers probably noticed a long time ago. This Christmas season I just don't feel like writing about them.

I don't want to sit here and be all self pitying either. The fact is, I am my own worst enemy. I am the reason I have not done everything I want to do. I know, I had a sinus infection and am now sitting here with a terrible tension headache. That's a pretty good excuse. It's not really the problem, however. The problem is that I quit motivating myself on a long term basis after I left college. I'll have moments of inspiration. For example, the month of November when I wrote 80k words of a novel. I still can hardly believe I did that. Look at me now, I've quit taking the time to edit my new novel already. In fact, I'm mad at all my characters and really mad at my writing style.

I don't think I'm being hard on myself when I say that I am not doing enough. I need to focus on math so I can take the GRE in the spring or summer. I need to get my apartment in order. I need to spend more time at the gym. There's just a lot I need to do.

But talking about it does little good . . . Writing myself a grand little schedule on my lovely, new palm pilot does little good. I mean, if I'm not going to follow the schedule what does it matter to write it all out? It's just a momentary appeasement for that guilty conscience. The only way I'm going to change these problems is if I start doing stuff and refuse to quit. No "and's, but's or tomorrow's" allowed. Here I go.

By the way, Merry Christmas!

Time Waits For No One

Sometimes I pause to wonder what I have accomplished in my life and if I will ever accomplish anything. Looking at people who are much younger than myself and are already famous and seem fairly well balanced scares me a little. Perhaps I should not compare myself to others. I know, we all do it. It's probably only a discouragement in the long term. Maybe it pushes me a little to work on the goals I have for my life. But then again, maybe it just makes me cycle into a few moments of self pity that will never help me get anywhere.

I want to be an author. I have completed the second draft of a fantasy novel. I am tied up working on the second draft of a science fiction novel -- my current masterpiece. It requires a few more chapters added to the middle of the book, a new ending (I have planned for that) and a total revamping of the bad guy character. He's too stupid. I also want to do something consequential with my life. Like being the CEO of a company or something. Someday it might be nice to use my poli-sci background writing for a political journal of some kind. Oh yeah, and I would like to have a family at some point in all this.

I know I said a while back I was thinking of going into psychology or social work. I changed my mind. Among other things I do not have the drive to spend the amount of time necessary to learn all that. However, I did have an alternative idea -- suggested to me actually -- about going to grad school for Public Administration. I have been looking at the universities in my area and have discovered one very good PA Masters program. So, now I have to study for the GRE and take it. Another scary beginning step.

There are many things I want to be and it seems only one thing that I am: a dreamer. I hope that changes sometime in the near future. After all, I am not getting any younger.

Busy, Busy, Busy

The last few weeks have been busier than normal for me. That is because I have a job. If I am not commenting on others blogs as often then I am sure you can understand why. So far my job is going well.

The generic description of my job is this: I help people with disabilities learn living skills. The exciting description is unknown to me. I have many heretofore unspoken reasons for choosing to work in this type of environment. The biggie would be that I am thinking about returning to school to get either a degree in psychology or a masters in social work. I believe I can go right into grad school, it does not really matter what my undergrad was in for that. There is of course, one other possibility. If I end up absolutely hating my job then I might get a masters in public administration and then head back to state and local government. Yes, choices, choices. But one should always have backup plans I think.

I have never been that great with people. My main response is simply to listen. Giving advice is not always easy and I do not think that I am often right. Which is why I try to withhold my thoughts of advice on a lot of things. More practical things where it does not matter so much if you go wrong are a lot easier to give advice about. But real things like relationships are a bit too complex. So, this possible new vocation is definitely going to be a challenge if I go through with it. On the other hand, I am great when it comes to administrative stuff. Maybe that's why the psychology route interests me more. For once I am trying to cultivate a skill I am not naturally good at instead of going with the easy choice. Maybe I did learn my lesson about that when I could not get into the political spectrum before. I like to volunteer my time for a cause, but I do not want to put 40+++ hours a week into politics except in reading and writing. I am an analyst and an armchair politician. I like being that. I am not a great leader of people. Besides, when it comes right down to it, Jesus said that those who wish to be great should humble themselves and serve others. If I am not led astray by the strange notions I will hear about social work and psychology then perhaps I can learn to be a better servant.