Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I Really Want To Know

This is a question for my male readers. First, I'll explain myself. I was only asked out by one guy (major, effing jerk -- and I said "no") ever. I was 19 at that time. No other guy asked me on a date. Craig and I ended up dating because I asked him out. So, here I am. I am cute, funny, pretty and extremely intellectual. I was homeschooled, but I knew a lot of guys my own age when I was 16-20 (started dating Craig at 20). I was reserved, but not shy (I'm shy now). Am I intimidating or something? If you met a girl who wasn't clingy or desperate or annoying is there another reason you might not ask her out? What is it? This is a hypothetical question so think from the hypothetical standpoint that you are single if you are not when you answer it.

No, I'm not traumatized or anything. I'm a happily married woman. I am intensely curious, however. So answer the question already.


little-cicero said...

I personally am just too shy to ask a girl out, and would have to be asked out. As far as reasons go, there is far more fear of "creepers" fed into the minds of women and men alike by the media (perhaps rightly) so just as "stranger danger" has messed up the relationship between children and adults to whom children are not related, to some extent the consciousness of predators that so pervades our culture may have a similar effect on adult "strangers," In my case, it is not as easy to traverse because I don't wrap myself in the same brand-name packaging of pop-culture, which is a sign of reliability for shopping females.

Do you find that the media has this sort of impact?

Esther said...

I am not sure what you mean exactly by the media impact. I think it is important for people to be aware of predators and how they hunt (to be blunt). I have no problem with the media talking about that. However, the media does tend to reinforce the "creepy old man in the bushes" stereotype. Most predators are acquainted with their victims before they do anything to them.

Anyway, perhaps it does make guys more scared of asking girls out (even if they are both the same age?).

I'm certainly not suggesting anyone older than 18 ask out a 15 year old girl or anything. I was asking to be hypothetical and assume you are the same age as the hypothetical girl. Really, the shyness factor might be the most obvious answer. Occam's razor, as they say.

I've just always wondered. My main question is, am I intimidating? But that's probably something only someone who knows me in real life would be able to answer. And if I am intimidating (which seems impossible to me), I might just want to stay that way anyhow. ;oP

Tracy said...

Intimidating is a good word. The description of the personal attributes you gave told me two things about how I'd expect a response to be from asking this person out:

1. She's out of my league. If she's smart, and cute then she's also self-aware enough to know what a dork I am. This is beyond my control.

2. She would have to ask me out.

I'd also add that coming from a below middle-class family (trying not to use the p-word) I would probably lack confidence to see myself as worthy. Funny how class does this and is also sneaky about it. Only with the marginal amount of wisdom I've gained with age could I ever realize that it played a role in my availability...silly but true.

Anonymous said...

Can only speak for myself.

I personally wouldn't find it intimidating. No matter how cute or good looking or smart the girl is the worst that can happen is that she will say no.

But I don't ask girls out really. I don't go for the dating thing. Doesn't work for me.

As to why guys didn't ask you out? Hard to say. If guys knew you were a devout person they might not bother because they'd know you'd say no. The reservation might be part of it. If it takes a while for a person to get to know you a guy can just not have the opportunity to figure out if he likes you or not.

And I realise it might be annoying but look at how great the man you married is :-)

Esther said...

RWG: Well, totally. I am very happy as I am. This question is more scientific than anything else. It's probably linked a tiny bit to my self esteem also, a tiny bit.

Tracy: Thanks, you're so nice. Actually, what you said makes a lot of sense. I was lower middle class too, however. But now that I think of it so were a lot of the guys my own age whom I knew before college. Ah well, I figured it out eventually and asked out the guy I liked instead of waiting around for the stars to align. Now, here I am. ;oD

Esther said...

Tracy: P.S. I didn't say you weren't a dork, in case you didn't notice. :o)

Tracy said...

I'm well aware of you what you didn't say...well aware ;)

Amber said...

Hmm. Intimidating? I guess I might have to say that you are - coming from me, a girl, and also a very shy person, for what that's worth. You are smart, and I think you have a strong personality. Maybe your interest in politics was also intimidating?

I was never asked out a lot either. Once in high school - before we could drive or anything, so we never "dated". Once in college by someone we both know who was great, but not right for me, and then the third time by my husband (who maybe was encouraged into it by Ceci). I always assume I was intimidating too, I didn't talk much with people I didn't know, and I had no tolerance for stupid guy behavior. I was picked on or simply ignored by all except my few friends.

Ceci said...

"Hmm. Intimidating? I guess I might have to say that you are - coming from me, a girl, and also a very shy person, for what that's worth. You are smart, and I think you have a strong personality." I'll agree with that! Then again, you did try to stab me with a fork...

Esther said...

Ceci, thanks. Yeah, I do remember the fork stabbing incident now that I've thought about it a while. Wow, I was a hyper freshman. Anyway, I guess it's difficult for me to tell if I have a strong personality. Low self esteem or something.