Saturday, March 11, 2006
Take it or leave it, that's how I feel right now. I apologize if I start to sound drama-queenish in the next few paragraphs. So, why am I writing. More or less to get some thoughts off my chest. I was working on a really spectacular post, but chose to log it away because I just feel like I'm one big farce at the moment.
There are a couple of things about me that may surprise my readers, aside from the fact that I try not to take myself too seriously. I'm not very tough and I often try to make myself look bigger than I am. Those are the two things that bother me about myself the most.
I want to be tough, but I've got this little, tiny voice that does not sound very loud even when I'm angry. People always think it's funny when I'm mad too, so I pretty much try not to lose my temper at all. Also, I am more sensitive to hurting words than you might think. Most things bounce off of me, but a few do not. If a close friend proves to me that he or she does not know me at all, it usually hurts a lot. For example, asking me if I acted in a certain way for a really stupid reason that I would never have even thought of myself. That makes me livid with anger. But I very often do not even tell my friend how mad I am at him or her. That's how un-tough I am. I don't say anything because I don't want my friend to feel bad. Because I just want people to get along and stop getting mad at each other. It doesn't do much good though, because I often never regain the respect I had for the friend and the friendship is never the same. I try to talk things over, but I just do not like to explode at people. I like things to be good.
I'm a little, tiny person, also. I mean, I'm of average height, but I'm small in all other respects. I wear baggy clothes quite often just so that people will not realize how small I am. Many have been fooled by this. Some of my friends have just freaked out when they saw me in something form fitting, "You're tiny! I never noticed how small you are before!" Yup, fat clothes kinda work. It's also because I do not like other people feeling bad about themselves. A lot of girls feel bad because I'm so thin. Dude, it's not like I try. I just can't eat anything fattening. If they went on a diet and did not eat any sugar other than fruit sugar they'd probably get a bit smaller too.
Putting up a face, that's what it's all about. Sometimes I feel like such an act. I put on this face, it looks tough, it looks big, but it's not. I'm really just a fuzzy, little person who wants everyone to be happy. There are moments when I find that I just hate wearing faces. This is one of them.
You know what I really want to do. I want to help children. I get so angry at people who hurt children. Even though children are often maniacal monsters, I want them to be functional and happy maniacal monsters. Er, strike the last two words there. I hate seeing kids get hurt. I remember when I was a happy little kid. I remember this one time when I was about 7 years old. I was sitting on a rock in the sun chewing on a timothy weed. The wind blew at my hair and the light of the sun played over me, warm, but not too warm. I drank in the air in great big breaths. I had never felt happier to be alive. I'll remember that moment for as long as I live as my Rosebud. The moment when I was just a pure and happy kid with no faces, no shows, no defenses, nothing but me. Me, sitting in the pure joy of life, dressed in muddy clothes with messy hair. That's the kid I really was and the kid that I still am, buried somewhere under the faces I wear. That's why I want to help other kids. I see in all of them the lack of a "face," that adults always wear, that even I wear. Kids can't hide who they are, they can't put on the act. The strain shows through and tells on them, often for the rest of their lives.
I often wonder why adults are so full of bluffs. Then I remember that I am no different. Why do I wear my faces? Why do I pretend? All I really want to do is help kids, help them to be kids and not pretend who they are or develop some face to put on so that everyone else will be happy and not weirded out by them. But I never say that. All I am is a kid wearing a face.